Parenting the Inner Child

What does parenting your inner child look like for you?

Parenting my inner child has meant different things at different times. In the beginning, it was acknowledging that there was a child with a personality, fears, and doubts who needed my time and attention, and whose trust I needed to acquire. I started with consistent interactions: I said hello to her, played games with her, made a list of things that I thought she would enjoy and then did them with her in mind. 

Once we started to build trust and she started to show me more of herself and her true feelings, I was able to address some of the more difficult things—the fears, doubts, insecurities. Whether we are aware of it or not, it’s these fears that get played out in our adult life. I came to see that my inner child was deeply hurt and often, her fears and insecurities overruled my present feelings of security. 

In acknowledging and addressing my inner child’s fears, I learned the importance of extending compassion to myself. When you start to see that it’s a child within you that is hurt or scared, you stop criticizing or bullying yourself. You start to think: if I saw a scared child standing in front of me, I would not yell at her or put her down for being scared. I would exercise compassion, and in that way, I learned to be compassionate with my inner child. When she felt sad or scared or overwhelmed, I took her into my arms and held her instead of yelling at her or telling her to suck it up. 

A strategy that helped me access the more compassionate side of me was to use what Louise Hay calls a “switch-to” image, which is where you recall a comforting image when experiencing a difficult emotion. Without much intentionality, I realized that any time I visualized holding my inner child, an image of Nani and Lilo from Lilo and Stitch came to mind. There were quite a few scenes in that movie where Nani holds and comforts Lilo. I imagined myself holding my inner child as Nani held Lilo on that hammock. I was the older sister and guardian, and I needed to protect and comfort my inner child, as Nani protected and comforted Lilo. It was extremely powerful to have that image to go to, and it immediately shifted my perspective. I felt grounded and calm, and it was a gentle reminder to be kind and considerate. (This example also shows how important representation is, but that’s a different post.) 

Another strategy I regularly employ is asking myself how old the scared or hurt part of me is: it’s not so much that I have one inner child as it is that I have many younger selves to tend to, and each younger self has her own unique needs. My five-year-old self is worried about or fearful of completely different things than my thirteen-year-old self. As a result, they require different types of comfort, enjoy different activities, and so on. By asking questions like, “Which part of me is feeling this way? How old is she? What does she need? How can I meet these needs?” you can cultivate mindfulness, which is key to breaking habits such as self-criticism when confronted with difficult emotions. 

I’ve found this work to be extremely meaningful. In addition to feeling more integrated and connected to myself, I experience fewer moments of powerlessness. When you realize that you can comfort the part of you that is sad, insecure, or otherwise hurting, you stop looking to sources outside of yourself for quick fixes and feel very empowered. I also found myself releasing inhibitions. Children are very good at expressing themselves, that is until they are taught by the people around them how to suppress their emotions. By accessing younger parts of myself, I’ve also accessed their fearlessness in being spontaneous or playful. 

None of this is easy, though. It takes time to learn how to be a good parent to your inner selves, especially if you’ve never had positive parenting role models. You have to learn how to talk to a child without criticizing, shaming, or bullying. It also takes time for the inner child to trust you enough to let you parent her. It’s worthwhile, though, possibly one of the most important things you’ll ever do. 

Concept and Story: Fatema Haque; Art: Sneha Reddy