Steps in Healing: Inner Child Work
One of the very first things I did as I started the healing process was reach back to my past. This was no small task for me. For years, I had actively rejected the past, refusing to even think about it. It was incredibly easy to do: because I moved to America at the age of nine, leaving behind nearly everyone from my childhood, I was able to cut off communication with those who had either hurt me or failed to protect me. In America, where I continued to experience abuse from new perpetrators, I found it easy to focus on other things instead, namely school and television. At school, I was encouraged to think ahead to the future, to higher education and careers. No one asked me to look back or consider the past. When not in school, I lived in the fictive realities I read about or watched on television. I spent hours on the phone with my best friend analyzing the TV shows we watched. These conversations made it easy to reject the present and the past.
When I finally began doing the work of remembering and reconnecting to my younger self, I faced numerous challenges. First, it was very obvious that this younger self did not trust me. Who was this adult trying to talk to her? I attempted to write a letter to my younger self, explaining how I had ignored her as a coping mechanism. I apologized, asked her if it would be okay for us to talk. I affirmed that I wanted to listen, to hear her story. The response from my inner self felt lukewarm at best; I didn’t hear a resolute “yes”, but I didn’t hear “no” either. So, I went ahead with the work of gaining the trust of my younger self.
I did many things. I engaged in dialogue, writing with my dominant hand to represent my present self and my non-dominant hand to represent the voice of my younger self. I drew a picture of myself as a child, and then asked her questions. I made a list of things my inner child would enjoy, and I attempted to do some of these activities. I greeted my inner child every day as I made my morning commute.
Eventually, I found these interactions to be easier. I was so mindful of my younger self that she stopped feeling neglected. One day while meditating, we created a safe space for us. I asked her to guide us to somewhere she felt safe. It was unlike any place I had ever been in reality. We were on a hill, overlooking a beautiful blue sea below. The sun was radiant, warming our skin, and there was a light, cool breeze. Behind us was a lovely cottage. We were the only ones there, and in the solitude of this natural, beautiful space, we felt safe. I looked down at my younger self, and she smiled at me. A rare, genuine smile. She took my hand, and we walked to the edge of the cliff. I am terribly afraid of heights, but in this space that we had created, I felt completely safe. I looked at my younger self again, and with one look, I knew what she wanted to do. We stood at the edge and shouted, “I love and approve of myself.” It echoed back to us, and we started to giggle. Over and over again, we shouted this affirmation I had learned from Louise Hay.
Inspired by this progress, I decided to start therapy, but very soon after, I realized that something in my relationship with my inner child had changed. In fact, I was returning to old habits I had released with her. I had talked to my inner child about how I no longer wanted to binge watch television as a way of escaping, and together, we had released the need for TV. For three months, I didn’t watch TV and found it easy to occupy my time with other things. I read and spent more time outdoors; I bought paint supplies and started to teach myself how to paint, something I had always wanted to learn. It felt incredibly freeing. But all of this stopped as I progressed in therapy. I was revealing and sometimes, under the guidance of my therapist, reliving some of the childhood trauma. As I did this, the need to binge watch TV overwhelmed me, and I felt powerless. I couldn’t talk to my inner child, either.
My therapist explained that my response was normal. I was sharing secrets that my younger self guarded at all cost, and to move beyond this, we needed to engage her in the conversation, too. We needed to invite her to therapy. So, under my therapist’s guidance, I began a new series of visualizations, one where I tried to regain the trust of my inner child. During each session, my therapist would ask me to close my eyes, relax and sink into the couch. She would tell me to release everything from the day, and bring my attention to my inner child. Then she would prompt me to notice where my visualization had taken me, what my inner child was doing. She would ask me to make eye contact with my inner child, and then, eventually, to speak with her.
These visualizations were incredibly powerful. I often cried during and afterward. With each attempt, I felt closer to my inner child again. Eventually, we returned to the safe space we had created.
Sometimes, I find myself feeling skeptical about how real this connection is. Is there really an inner child for me to connect to, or am I making stuff up? These questions come up again and again, especially when I discuss my visualizations in detail during therapy sessions. But, the questions have been easy to brush off, too. On a deep level, I know that these visualizations are real, that they are healing. In doing the work of engaging my inner child, I feel myself healing. I feel calmer, whole. I find it easier to be kinder to myself. I laugh more, and I feel energized. I also relate to children differently. I have two nephews, and in the past, I felt inadequate in my interactions with them. I felt that I could never cross the divide between childhood and adulthood and get on their level. Since doing the work of reconnecting to my inner self, I have found that it’s easier to switch to a childlike persona, to be creative and imaginative, when I am with my nephews. It’s brought new joy into our relationship.
Of all the healing work I have been doing for the past three years, this has been the most important piece. I would recommend this to everyone.
If you are interested in this work, too, here are a few resources to get you started:
“Healing Your Inner Child After Sexual Abuse” – Pandora’s Project provides a great overview of how to reconnect with, forgive, and heal your inner child.
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay – Hay asserts that the patterns we have in our life right now, we learned in childhood. In her chapter “Where does it come from?” she encourages an exploration of where some of our most basic beliefs come from.
Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem by Gloria Steinem – Steinem provides stories of visualization, and additional guides on connecting with your inner child.
In addition to these and many other resources, consider finding someone trustworthy and qualified to help you in doing this work. There may be many fears when engaging in this process; it will help to have someone you trust to guide you through the process.