Some Truths About Therapy
Been thinking a lot about how stigmatized therapy and help-seeking is in the desi community, especially among boys and men, and wanted to share some thoughts:
To my brothers who are afraid to go to therapy, who have only seen therapy or help-seeking stigmatized, who think they aren’t going to go share their business to some stranger, who think that therapy = anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds, who worry that it’ll just be one more person who tells them they’re doing it wrong and need to change: here are some truths about therapy.
A therapist is a neutral person to talk to. They aren’t involved in the messes of my life, they aren’t people I have to be mindful with in terms of what I say or how I say it. I don’t have to hide or shrink my feelings down to digestible sizes. I can just be. I can tell my side of things, have someone listen and ask questions and reflect back what they’re seeing. Their neutrality is a balm to otherwise difficult situations.
A therapist helps build (and sort!) the tools in our mental toolbox. All those skills necessary for handling conflict, communicating with people, communicating with yourself (hi, self-esteem! I know we’ve only had low conversations, you know full of criticism and shit, but let’s try something new, some affirmation and validation).
A therapist doesn’t fix your problems, but does ask, what if? What if you had a conversation with your parent or your spouse or your sibling or your friend about whatever was bothering you? What if you did X when you’re used to doing Y? What if… They help you imagine possibilities and take you out of either/or mindset. I find myself frequently stuck in old patterns, like I’m between a rock and a hard place, unable to move in either direction without damaging myself (psychologically, emotionally, or otherwise). But therapy has shown me other ways, paths that I hadn’t considered before.
Therapy is only as useful as you make it. I’ve found that most of the healing work happens OUTSIDE of therapy. It’s how I carry what I learn with me and apply it to life outside. It requires dedication, commitment, time. It’s a slow build until you hit that peak and then it’s a magical transformation. A breakthrough. There are a lot of those moments, and a therapist guides you up the mountain.
Most therapist do not prescribe medication. And even if they do, it’s alright. It is possible to find the right dosage and suss out what works for you. If you were diabetic, wouldn’t you take insulin? Then why not this?
Therapy isn’t about “fixing.” It took me a long time to understand that there doesn’t have to be something wrong with me to seek out therapy. Therapy is more like an additional beam of support for the foundation of your life. It doesn’t make you weak (trust me, therapy is hard work and it requires strength). And frankly, there’s a lot we aren’t taught about how to navigate life. We don’t always learn how to communicate effectively, especially when the stakes are high. We don’t always get the comfort and care that we need when we are hurting. We aren’t taught how to assert boundaries and still remain supportive to the people in our life. These are those tools I mentioned earlier—you can learn essential life skills, which makes things better.
You will change, and change can be scary. But it probably won’t look like how you’ll imagine it. If you’re thinking, oh, if I go to therapy, the therapist will just tell me to quit smoking weed and I just can’t do that. Yeah, they might suggest that you smoke less, but really, they might not. They might instead dig a little deeper and focus on the stuff underlying your coping mechanism. And by working on those root causes, you might find that YOU are less inclined to rely on weed. You might just feel like you’ve got more capacity to handle whatever is happening in your life and don’t need the usual escape hatches. I worried a lot about therapy making me do things I wasn’t ready for or could never imagine myself doing, but the truth is, that’s never been the case. I was never told I HAD to do something; I just practiced imagining new things and new ways of being in therapy and then found myself applying it in life as situations arose. I often surprised myself, like whoa, I didn’t think I was ready for that. And it was delightful.
There’s probably more reasons why you might not seek out therapy (including real structural barriers like lack of health insurance or availability of therapists or not knowing where to find a therapist), but as with anything, you won’t know whether you like it or find it useful until you try.